Written in flight - I haven't had internet since I was at home, but now I am sitting in a McDonalds catching up a bit.
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This morning I awoke, ready to get the day going. Everything was abustle with the packing, double checking, packing some more, going to the airport and waiting, the delays, the rush, the relief, and then the boredom. And of course, through out, the excitement and nervousness.


Source: caribb

At times the excitment was so overwhelming it was bringing me to almost-tears, embarassing me. And sometimes the nervousness was so high I could feel my pulse beating, going into that state of panic, and then trying my best to calm down with a few deep breaths.

This is a difficult day, although I don't really have to do much except doing what I need to do and getting where I need to go. There are people to help me, people I will have to ask to help, but in the end, everything will work out as its supposed to, and I will be settled into my place. In France!!

But isn't this also how life is? Those murky areas outside of routine. They induce such anxiety, such nightmareish trains of thought, when really, if you just take a deep breath (or a couple) and do what you need to do, one foot in front of the other, life will go on. And you will have done something unfamiliar, far from mundane.

I really enjoy challenging myself, it has this way of making me feel so alive. Can I take a long vacation to another country I've never been to? By myself?

As I read my tourist books, I keep realizing how wonderful it's going to be, actually getting to do what I want, on my schedule, without anyone's comments on anything, except for my own. I get to decide for myself the way I feel about everything. Freedom.

I am having some regrets about my planning skills for these 6 weeks, and the more I read, the more I wanted to pack in there (and the more time and money I wish I had!). But then I look back on what I really wanted from this trip to start with, and I realize that it was mainly just to get in the culture, experience the people, and add a little more joie de vivre to my life.

And then to come back, and incorporate that into my everyday life and also, job search.

I want to remind myself of the good things in life. The things that are really important: being present and mindful - taking time out just to appreciate exactly where you are at the moment. I feel the French remember these things and value them appropriately, where at home it is easy to get lost in endless comparisons, competitions, and the needs for having so many things, so much security, so much power. I believe it is true we are at odds with our selves: creatures of habit who are mind-numbingly bored by our habits.

This is my attempt to spice it up! Already I am for-sure out of my comfort zone. But I am on a big plane again, the big ones like I use to go to ride when I was young and we lived in Singapore. And something inside me just keeps saying finally. Finally. You are proving it to yourself that you can do it. And you can do it again whenever you need to. Mix things up. Feel alive. Find yourself. Again. And again. And again.